No one told me that being a Mommy is a daily surrender to yourself. I wake up every morning (and several times a night) asking God for help, perseverance, and patience. He entrusted me with this soul, now I have to do my very best. I drive myself silly about "doing the right thing" for Micah that I sometimes forget that loving him is where Mommyhood begins.
The first month has been a series of unfortunate events. We were overwhelmed with the outpouring of meals, dishes done, laundry finished, and baby holding that was at our constant beck and call! The support and love Micah has received will raise him up to be such a Godly Man! (It takes a village... right?) But just as Matt and I were finding the balance and routine of our new tiny family, BAM! Appendicitis!
I ended up spending 5 days and 4 nights in the hospital with an appendicitis and surgery scheduled for August 1st. Thankfully, Matt and Micah got to stay with me so I could still breastfeed and bond. Poor Matt had to play "Mom" with the diaper changes, constant cuddling, and nap time. To say the least, I was very discouraged with the timing. Why now? But my boys were such troopers!
After the hospital it was terribly hard to find a routine in anything! Micah wasn't sleeping well, wasn't latching well, wasn't responding to us in anyway. I blamed it on the hospital upset until Micah's one month appointment. As I was telling his doctor about the new symptoms, he told me that is sounds very much like colic.
COLIC? Really God? Micah must have heard him say that word because as soon as he was diagnosed with colic, it got 10x worse! Constant fussiness in the evenings, and the worst part is his latching and breastfeeding is a constant battle. He latches for a few minutes and then cries so hard that it is impossible for him to get a full meal. It is terribly discouraging to watch your baby reject you and go hungry. So I pump and cringe as he gets use to bottles.
It has taken me to this point to finally admit that I do not know what I am doing and I am humbly going to see a lactation consultant today. I am encouraged because I want to fix this latching problem, but I am so sad because I feel like I failed.
After many tears, and Matt convincing me it is nothing personal, Micah encouraged me to keep going with his very first REAL smile :) I couldn't help but smile back with tears in my eyes.
I CAN do this. One day at a time.
His First Month Pictures:
You are doing Great!! Hang in there. My pediatrician always gave us a hand shake and congratulated us telling us we've made it this far and it gets better. She said if it didnt people would only have 1 kid.
ReplyDeleteSweetie - you so haven't failed!! Just look at your cute little round guy - God intrusted him to you, because you are the best mommy in the entire world for Micah. So glad you are seeing the lactation specialist!! I'm not real sure what the problem is, but my let down was very slow and the kiddos had to wait until I relaxed. I remember once that Charmayne, after sucking a short time, let go and turned to glare at the people in the room. She was only 2 months old.
ReplyDeleteTalk to other nursing moms, your mom, the lactation specialist or you might see if the LeLeche League is still around. They will give you the support you need and I'm sure others have had the same bump in the road. Hang in there! You can call me anytime. Love you!!
Hi! You don't know me, but Kristan Ellington sent me your blog post (our husbands went to college together). I had a rough time with breastfeeding as well! Our son, Caleb (4 month old now), had latching on problems as well for the first few weeks. I also had issues with inverted nipples which made things even worse. I ended up stopping for a week and exclusively pumping because it got so bad. I finally contacted a local Le Leche League consultant and they were so helpful! We e-mailed back and forth several times and she gave me some great tips and they really helped out.
ReplyDeleteYou are not a failure at all! I think many women are brought up to believe that breastfeeding is this natural thing and that your baby will latch on right away and you won't have any problems, and for most of us that is not the case. It takes a lot of work, time, energy, and patience. There were many nights when I wanted to quite because of how discouraged I was. You haven't failed in the slightest.....you are going through what just about every other new mom has gone through! I talked with a number of other moms who had the same issues I did and it was encouraging to know that I wasn't alone.
Hang in there! It will get better!!
Sarah Orner