This blog has accidently turned in to my venting zone; therefore, it seems to be negative. I am sorry for that. I am not a negative person. Feelings of frustration, failure, and this lump in my throat is dimmed if I write about my feelings. This is the place I write...an outlet.
You are my outlet today. Bare with me.
I am not a baby person. Boy, did I have a romanticized view of parenthood. Folks- parenthood is HARD!
I have learned this recently. I hate the diapers, the crying, and the constant redirecting and guessing. It is all a guess. You can only guess what this baby needs. Trial and error. I do not do well with error. I am a perfectionist. I get so frustrated when I guess wrong and trial into another error of judgement. "That didn't work... lets try this...." All I want is to give my baby what she needs. To make her happy, and I can't even do that!
My new baby is hard. She cries a lot, and is in a lot of pain (gas? reflux? ), and spits up A LOT. In between the diapers, burp clothes, and clothes, I try to put a cute little headband on her just to make her "cute". I yearn for her smiles. I yearn for a sweet moment with her that I can cherish.. but it has not come.
I am completely jealous of the mothers who "fall in love" with their baby right away. I have a hard time even liking my baby. I hate the pictures I see on facebook of Mothers in love with their baby. Every other Mother seems to have it together. Every day I wake up in hopes of a moment I can take a "selfie" with my new baby. To seem normal... and post it on Facebook so I look normal and in love with my baby. That quick picture has not happened in between the puke and toddler. I keep saving her cute outfits for when she seems happy. Most of them are not worn. She will probably outgrow them before that moment happens.
She is a difficult baby. I prayed passionately for an easy baby. Micah was tough. I started calling Micah a "privilege" because not many sets of parents could have endured and shaped a tough cookie like Micah. We are a great team! God entrusted us with a difficult baby, and we did okay! (So far). I thought that reward and pat on the back from God would be a simple, sleepy, and "good" baby. HA! He must REALLY trust us.
I am tired God, what about a break? An "easy" baby? N-O-P-E. Really God? What are you doing?
Don't get me wrong, I love my baby, but I have not connected with her yet.
Why am I so hard on myself? All Moms feel this way... right? The lack of sleep, and glancing at all the other perfect Moms on Facebook and Pinterest (making us feel inadequate), and hormones mix to make the perfect storm. Right? Am I in this storm alone?
I feel like Facebook and Pinterest may be a curse for our generation. It is impossible to live up to those standards. Those are pictures of their best, when I am at my lowest. Who posts a "status update" with a cute picture at their lowest? No one! Everyone pretends on Facebook. Sadly, I want to pretend too! To want to make myself look perfect... like them! Maybe I will post an ugly picture of my puke-covered shirt and messed up hair (and zits) with a crying baby in my hand and be transparent. Maybe that will help some other Mother feel good instead of beat up and inadequate. If I do that, then I just get a pity party. I do not want a pity party.
I want your encouragement.
Shouldn't Mother's encourage each other instead of compare? After all, you are the only other people in this world that can relate. You have your trial, I have mine. We can help each other out of this pit of Motherhood with encouragement.
Here is a hug to all Moms out there. I will pray for you in the middle of the night when I am nursing Emma, if you pray for me!
We have the most important job in the world, which means it is the hardest. WAY harder than I expected. I only hope to come out stronger on the other end. Being refined by fire sucks and it hurts, but they say it is worth it. I do not know, I am still in the fire, but I hope in the Lord.
