Negative Nancy

This blog has accidently turned in to my venting zone; therefore, it seems to be negative.  I am sorry for that.  I am not a negative person.  Feelings of frustration, failure, and this lump in my throat is dimmed if I write about my feelings.  This is the place I write...an outlet.

You are my outlet today.  Bare with me.

I am not a baby person.  Boy, did I have a romanticized view of parenthood.  Folks- parenthood is HARD!
I have learned this recently.  I hate the diapers, the crying, and the constant redirecting and guessing.  It is all a guess.  You can only guess what this baby needs.  Trial and error.  I do not do well with error.  I am a perfectionist.  I get so frustrated when I guess wrong and trial into another error of judgement.  "That didn't work... lets try this...."  All I want is to give my baby what she needs.  To make her happy, and I can't even do that!

My new baby is hard.  She cries a lot, and is in a lot of pain (gas?  reflux? ), and spits up A LOT.  In between the diapers, burp clothes, and clothes, I try to put a cute little headband on her just to make her "cute".  I yearn for her smiles.  I yearn for a sweet moment with her that I can cherish.. but it has not come.

I am completely jealous of the mothers who "fall in love" with their baby right away.  I have a hard time even liking my baby.  I hate the pictures I see on facebook of Mothers in love with their baby.  Every other Mother seems to have it together.  Every day I wake up in hopes of a moment I can take a "selfie" with my new baby.  To seem normal... and post it on Facebook so I look normal and in love with my baby.  That quick picture has not happened in between the puke and toddler.  I keep saving her cute outfits for when she seems happy.  Most of them are not worn.  She will probably outgrow them before that moment happens.

She is a difficult baby.  I prayed passionately for an easy baby.  Micah was tough.  I started calling Micah a "privilege" because not many sets of parents could have endured and shaped a tough cookie like Micah.  We are a great team!  God entrusted us with a difficult baby, and we did okay! (So far).  I thought that reward and pat on the back from God would be a simple, sleepy, and "good" baby.    HA!  He must REALLY trust us.

I am tired God, what about a break?  An "easy" baby?  N-O-P-E.  Really God?  What are you doing?

Don't get me wrong, I love my baby, but I have not connected with her yet.

Why am I so hard on myself?  All Moms feel this way... right?  The lack of sleep, and glancing at all the other perfect Moms on Facebook and Pinterest (making us feel inadequate), and hormones mix to make the perfect storm.  Right?  Am I in this storm alone?

I feel like Facebook and Pinterest may be a curse for our generation.  It is impossible to live up to those standards.  Those are pictures of their best, when I am at my lowest.  Who posts a "status update" with a cute picture at their lowest?  No one!  Everyone pretends on Facebook.  Sadly, I want to pretend too!  To want to make myself look perfect... like them!  Maybe I will post an ugly picture of my puke-covered shirt and messed up hair (and zits) with a crying baby in my hand and be transparent.  Maybe that will help some other Mother feel good instead of beat up and inadequate.  If I do that, then I just get a pity party.  I do not want a pity party.

I want your encouragement.

Shouldn't Mother's encourage each other instead of compare?  After all, you are the only other people in this world that can relate.  You have your trial, I have mine.  We can help each other out of this pit of Motherhood with encouragement.

Here is a hug to all Moms out there.  I will pray for you in the middle of the night when I am nursing Emma, if you pray for me!

We have the most important job in the world, which means it is the hardest.  WAY harder than I expected.  I only hope to come out stronger on the other end.  Being refined by fire sucks and it hurts, but they say it is worth it.  I do not know, I am still in the fire, but I hope in the Lord.

Confidence and Education

This Momma has had to put her Big Girl Panties on since we have last met.  In other words; I have learned to be an assertive Mom that fights for her son.  More specifically, his health!  

Just to give you a glimpse- This is a run down of my poor boy's medical conditions: 

Eczema

Colic

Cradle Cap

Blocked Tear Ducts

Eye Infection

Ear Infection

Staph Infection

Weak Gut Syndrome

Several Severe Allergies

Reflux

High Lead

Asthma?? 

This list now exists through tears, numerous doctor's visits, a doctor change, allergist visits, ER visits, and lab visits.  It was not an easy task to identify and treat these conditions.  It has been a horrible journey I would not wish on my worst enemy.  It is heart-wrenching to know something is wrong with your son, watch him suffer, and have the doctors dismiss it over and over again.  The feelings of helplessness were deep and hurtful.  Out of that hurt, I have learned!  

I want to share what my journey has taught me, and maybe it will help other Mommas struggling with health conditions and feeling lost in the medical world of doctors, tests, and big words.  

First, through this, I lost all respect for doctors and all they ignored with my son early on.  This ended up being the driving force behind my new-found assertive ways.  They did not seem to listen or know any information!  Over four times within his first six months, I went to the his pediatrician  with congestion, running nose, coughs, and a slight fever.  Antibiotics, more antibiotics, and more.  I kept going in with a "fix my child" attitude, which did not seem to actually fix a darn thing.  Why does this continue to come back?  This can't be right!  Or normal?  Why are you acting like this is not a problem, and I should just "chill".  My baby is hurting!  

I switched pediatricians, thinking that would "solve" his problems.  Nope.  Now what do I do?  No one is listening, giving me information, or even seems to care.  Antibiotics seemed to be their "go to", and I felt like the underlying issue was never resolved!  Antibiotics did not seem to help much, and it was a consistence stream of snot, eye infections, and sickness.  My baby could not catch a break.  

So what did I do?  Research!  We have a powerful tool in our generation that most before did not!  THE INTERNET!  We can research the heck out of our children's health concerns and come up with very viable solutions and an accurate hypothesis of what is medically wrong with our children!  My First Power Tool as a Mom!

Finally, I felt empowered for the first time.  I lost myself in article after article on babycenter.com, webmd, blogs, anything I could read!    I eventually concluded it might be something to do with allergies.  (Why couldn't the pediatricians SEE that?  It seemed so simple and easy to identify! )  I did not even go to my pediatrician!  I called an allergist and ENT the next day.  Several lab visits and a food journal later, YAY!  We found some answers!  

I did not wait for my pediatrician to tell me what to do- I did it.  I researched his conditions, and I did what needed to be done with no delay!  That is powerful, and that is being a Mom. 

I have learned that you do not go in a doctor's visit submissive with a "fix him" attitude.  You go in educated, with a well researched, and thought-out hypothesis that you very confidently tell your doctor.  Don't wait for your doctor to figure it out.  You figure it out and TELL you doctor what you know to be true.

Think of it this way, your doctor sees a small snapshot of your child.  He/she spends 15 minutes with your child every six months.  You see your baby every day all day!  Who knows better?  YOU DO!  Get some information and be in charge of your Child's doctor's visit.  Prepare and make lists.  I even printed out some resources and had some information at hand.  

I actually heard this explained very well in the book Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell.  He explained this exact same theory in one of his chapters.  He writes this attitude difference in the doctor's office of submissive or assertiveness  is explained by a divide in classes.  The high-class takes control and is the person in charge of the Doctor's visit, while the other classes are submissive under authority.  Very interesting!  Good book!  

I have learned to be in charge.  With my own health too.  If you go in educated and confident, you will successfully be in charge of your health instead of taking a frustrating back-seat spot of helplessness.  

Maybe that education and confidence can be used as powerful tools in other parts of my life?  

No one ever told me...

No one ever told me...


1.  How little sleep you get as a momma!  I am exhausted, and it has caused me to be impatient and grumpy.  Especially daunting to working Mommas who wake up every three hours at night, and yet are required to wake up and perform as a professional....

 which brings me to my next point...

2.  How hard it is to wear so many "hats".  I wear a Momma hat, wife hat, teacher hat, family hat, etc.  It is difficult because when you wear so many hats, you fail to do well at any of them.  The perfectionist in me hates that I am only surviving being a Momma, wife, sister, daughter, and teacher.  I am not excelling or even feel successful at any of them.  

My advice:  One day at a time.  I have found great refuge in good friends and help.  Matt has really stepped up to being a great help!  He puts the baby to sleep, takes the late shift at night so I can get some rest, my school has blessed me with allowing me to come in late or leave early, Grandparents have given Matt and I date nights, relatives and friends come over and allow me to rest.  Take help and do not feel bad or regrettable in taking help.  Be humble!

3.  After birth, your lady parts and breasts are everyone's business.  Aside from the 12 people that watched me push my baby out, I do not even bat an eye when I have to breastfeed in the car or in front of strangers.  No more dignity.

4.  How frustrating babies can be.  I have yelled more than once "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?".  Your biggest desire is to provide what your baby needs, and fix any problems they have, which is hard to fulfill if you have no idea what they need or want at any particular point.  It is not their fault they can not tell you, and not your fault you do not know what they want.  It is almost an accidental miscommunication you cannot fix.  Very frustrating.

My advice:  Pray first!  Still frustrated?  Walk away and ask your husband or someone to take him for a little.  It is okay to admit defeat.  

5.  How important a support group or a good website is.  You need support and information!  If you have the time, find a Mommas play group or support group to become part of!  Being able to relate and talk through problems is important in being a self-assessing and growing Momma.  

My Advice:  Maybe I take being a Mom too professionally, but being a Mom is the most important job I will ever have!  If I do not have an answer I will Google, ask questions, and search until I have advice.  

I LOVE the website: www.babycenter.com  You can put in the birthdate of the baby and they will send updates, milestones, and activities to do with baby.  I also have the app   






That's all for now.  I am hoping to upload a video of Micah soon and talk about our journey. It's been a strange one! 

Listening to Your Baby

I should have gone to the Lactation Consultant immediately.  Breastfeeding was not as natural as they made it sound.  I encourage all breastfeeding Mommas to take the class (probably provided by the hospital) to get basic knowledge, then use your resources!  I went to the Breastfeeding Center in Canton.  There are La Leche Leagues and Breastfeeding resources worldwide.  Getting help does not mean you failed!  It just means you are being humble and doing/getting what your baby needs!

Problem:  I went to the Breastfeeding Center at my wits end.  All I knew is "they" always said you should feed for 10 minutes on each breast.  The BabyWise approach puts extra emphasis on this because you do not want them to snack but to get a full meal, which includes the caloric-rich Hindmilk.  Micah was only feeding for 3-5 minutes on each breast, and then crying bloody-murder when I tried to get him to feed longer.  This ended up in a stressed-out Mom, which caused Micah to stress, which caused more crying.  Vicious Cycle! 

Solution:  The easiest thing was the solution, he was already full!  He guzzles!  We discovered this through weighing him before and after the feedings.  He was getting plenty in those 3-5 minutes on each breast.  I should have just listened to him!  He would cry and push away to tell me he was done, but like the naive Mommy that I am, I thought the experts were right and did not listen to my baby.  Lesson learned!  My baby knows best and I need to listen to his cues!  
New Problem: Listening to cues is my next big struggle with SLEEP!  Micah fights sleep. He is overwhelmingly active.  He never stops kicking and learning, which will result in a very smart baby and he is hitting milestones early, but my does this baby fight sleep!

It is so very frustrating.  We spend 30 +  minutes putting him to sleep with white noise, singing,  rocking, swaddling, shushing, which only results in crying, kicking, and screaming.  Eventually he tires himself out and sleeps, only to wake again after his first sleep cycle.  After extensive Google Research, I found that babies sleep cycles are only 30 minutes and some babies struggle getting from one to the other.  MY BABY!  After 30 minutes of a nap, we often have to go through a whole new patch of putting him to sleep.  Once he is a sleep again, he usually finally stays asleep for 1 hour to 2.  

I ordered the book "The 90-minute Baby Sleep Solution" by Polly Moore.  I am excited to learn from her.  I also like the book "The Happiest Baby on the block" by Harvey Karp.  This is also a DVD.

Below is an interview of Harvey Karp explaining his 5 S's to induce the baby calming reflex.  Very interesting.  I use these on Micah, and they certainly work!  I also try to do his concept of putting Micah down in his bed sleepy but not asleep so he can learn to go to sleep on his own.  This should help him get past the first sleep cycle.  

The biggest thing I have been learning with this sleep cycle is again, listen to your baby!  When Micah starts rubbing his eyes, yawning, and getting fussy, I know it is time to start our sleep routine.  I just wish it was not a long, hard routine like it is.  

Because of this sleep trouble, I have literally thrown the BabyWise Book away.  The routine and principles it preached did not fit Micah.  By the time I get Micah to stay asleep, it is not long before he will be waking up from hunger.  BabyWise wanted you to stay in the routine - wake, sleep, feed, wake, sleep feed.....  I feed before he sleeps.  He seems to go to sleep better and stay asleep longer.  

I struggled a lot in trying to find some routine with Micah at all.... actually, I still am!  With the colic, then this sleep struggle, routine was never found.  I know it is not good for him, but I am doing my best.  He is growing , sleeping, eating, and learning.  My job is done, even if it is not done neatly and "right".  

The First Month

No one told me that being a Mommy is a daily surrender to yourself.  I wake up every morning (and several times a night) asking God for help, perseverance, and patience.  He entrusted me with this soul, now I have to do my very best.  I drive myself silly about "doing the right thing" for Micah that I sometimes forget that loving him is where Mommyhood begins.  

The first month has been a series of unfortunate events.  We were overwhelmed with the outpouring of meals, dishes done, laundry finished, and baby holding that was at our constant beck and call!  The support and love Micah has received will raise him up to be such a Godly Man!  (It takes a village... right?) But just as Matt and I were finding the balance and routine of our new tiny family, BAM! Appendicitis!

I ended up spending 5 days and 4 nights in the hospital with an appendicitis and surgery scheduled for August 1st.  Thankfully, Matt and Micah got to stay with me so I could still breastfeed and bond.  Poor Matt had to play "Mom" with the diaper changes, constant cuddling, and nap time.  To say the least, I was very discouraged with the timing.  Why now?  But my boys were such troopers!  

After the hospital it was terribly hard to find a routine in anything!  Micah wasn't sleeping well, wasn't latching well, wasn't responding to us in anyway.  I blamed it on the hospital upset until Micah's one month appointment.  As I was telling his doctor about the new symptoms, he told me that is sounds very much like colic.  

COLIC?  Really God?  Micah must have heard him say that word because as soon as he was diagnosed with colic, it got 10x worse!  Constant fussiness in the evenings, and the worst part is his latching and breastfeeding is a constant battle.  He latches for a few minutes and then cries so hard that it is impossible for him to get a full meal.  It is terribly discouraging to watch your baby reject you and go hungry.  So I pump and cringe as he gets use to bottles.  

It has taken me to this point to finally admit that I do not know what I am doing and I am humbly going to see a lactation consultant today.  I am encouraged because I want to fix this latching problem, but I am so sad because I feel like I failed.  

After many tears, and Matt convincing me it is nothing personal, Micah encouraged me to keep going with his very first REAL smile :)  I couldn't help but smile back with tears in my eyes.  

I CAN do this.  One day at a time.

His First Month Pictures:

The Birth Story

Disclaimer: You may be uncomfortable with some personal information given within my Birth Story. 

God's Timing is Perfect!

First, for school, I had to get through May 3rd to not have to come back the last few days of school for insurance reasons.  May 3rd rolls around and I feel a sense of relief knowing I made it!  That day, I start having slight labor pains hours apart.  I did not know if they "braxton hics" or REAL labor pains.  I prayed and prayed to just make it though the school day, and I did!  I knew I might not be coming back so I even stayed late to make sure all my long-term substitute stuff was out and in order.  

During the evening on May 3rd, I start having harder and more frequent labor pains, so I start getting antsy and anxious because it was happening!  As the evening unfolds they continually get closer and worse.  The doctor instructs not to call until contractions are 5 minutes apart for an entire hour and the contractions have to be severe enough to not be able to talk or walk through them.  We were not quite there at that point, but because they were slowly getting worse and closer, I knew it has begun!

I told Matt to go to bed early, and since the pain was bad enough I could not sleep, I just paced the entire night.   Finally at 4:00 am I woke Matt up and told him he should start timing them because they were getting near 5 minutes apart.  As we were timing them, my water broke at 5:00 am.  To the hospital we go!  

The ride to the hospital seemed like it took forever!  We had to go through the ER, and get in the ugly robe.  Matt is starting to have to coach me through the contractions because my whole body would tense up and my natural instinct was to hold my breath, which is the opposite of what you are suppose to do!  Contractions were much worse and more scary then I even imagined.  

They emit me to the Labor and Deliver Room around 6:00 am and I was at 3cm dilated.  (You have to be at 10 cm dilated to push).  I was asking for my epidural immediately!  I went in this thinking I would try a natural birth, HAHAHA  yeah right!  :)  My suggestion to the ladies who want to have a completely natural birth, practice breathing and Lamaze more than once!  

The Epidural was awful to administer because they kick Matt out, and the nurse breaths you through the contractions as they are trying to find the appropriate place in your back.  Then they inform you : DO NOT MOVE or we could seriously hurt you by hitting a nerve.  This sounds simple, but for a women having contraction pains, it is very difficult and a little scary!  

20 minutes after my Epidural, I do not feel a thing!  Yay!  My nurse tells me to rest, and I fall asleep for three hours!  Hooray!

She wakes me up around 10:00 to clean me up and to see if I have progressed.  She checks and I am surprisingly 9 cm!  That means I slept through the hard part of labor.  I feel no pressure, which means it is not time to push however.  So they treat me to a popsicle, and I relax for a little longer.  

Around an hour later,  my doctor arrives and my nurse, Matt, and an EMT guy in training begin pushing.  You have to imagine this first:  I can not feel my legs so Matt and Mr. EMT have to hold my legs up so high that my knees are touching my ears.  With every contraction I push three times.  Pushing involves every muscle and fiber of my being to push.  Your private area is out for everybody to see with a light shining right on it.  With every contraction the nurse has to clean you up from "bloody show".  Often she even had to change the sheet under me.  Your sense of dignity is out the window!  

For an hour or so, pushing seems to be going well and I am getting the hang of it.  Two hours roll around and I am getting exhausted, and I am starting to wonder if I am doing this right.  I start asking "how much longer", "What am I doing wrong", and I start to lose confidence.  

The resident doctor and my OBGYN start to come in and watch me push because this is starting to take too long and they are starting to deduce something is not going right.  My doctor puts an ungodly amount of pressure in there as he pokes around to see if the baby is positioned correctly.  

At this point, it is going on 3 hours of pushing, I am exhausted, and I am asking the doctor about other options.  The options he gives me:

1. C-Section

2. Forceps

3. Suction

I seriously do not want to deal with an incision and do a C-Section after all of this hard pushing, so that is out.  I choose Suction, but I ask to rest a little first because I did not have it in me to push anymore, and my feeling is coming back because the epidural is wearing off. 

They agree to let me rest for a while, so they give me another dose of epidural and I rest for an hour.  

After an hour, 10 + people come into the room to watch the action!  How intimidating!  There are extra nurses there for Micah because of the extra risks that go with using the suction.  There is my doctor's assistant, the Resident, my Doctor, my Nurse, and several extra nurses for Micah.  I even think there were some nurses in training that needed to see the suction in use.  

As I push, the room goes silent and the doctor helps me out with the suction.  As he does the suction he realizes what was causing the delay: Micah has his chin tucked in his chest, which means he was trying to come out with the back of his head first instead of the top of it.  This obviously did not work.  The doctor uses the suction to simply adjust his head, and Micah is out in less than 10 pushes!  

The nurses take him and clean him up then I enjoyed skin-to-skin time!  I was crying when I saw Micah, Matt kept saying "You did it!  You did it!"  and I did!  It was so nice to finally have him with me!

The only downfall of the suction: I did tear funny down there, which caused extra stitches and quite a bit more soreness and healing time, but I would take that over the C-Section any day!

Micah Alexander Smucker

May 4th 2012

3:39 pm

7 pounds 7 ounces

20 inches long

The Hardest Part

I am HUGE!  Here is a picture to prove it:

This is me at 38 weeks.  

The last few weeks have proven to be the hardest for me.  I am having trouble sleeping, and I am constantly tired.  I have swollen feet and fingers.  I waddle like a penguin.  BUT it is all worth it in the end..... right?  :)  


Micah has officially "dropped".  I can breath better, but now my ribs and bladder has become his constant squeeze toys.   


My emotions are a mixed variety of anxious, worried, humbled, petrified, excited, elated, nervous, scared, ready....   


We are packed and ready for the hospital.  Brandon and Jessica gave me a really neat "kit" for the hospital that included all necessary items from hair ties to sweets to pack too!  Thank you!   


I have stopped reading any books or articles because I find myself becoming overwhelmed with new information at this point, and I am too tired to read by the time I get home from work.  I often take a "cat nap" as the hubby makes dinner.  


I am thankful for a loving husband that bothers me about practicing my breathing, doing Kegal exercises, and wearing tenni shoes instead of my vain attempts with flats.  He even puts up with my "nesting" :)  


Talking about nesting, the nursery is complete!  Take a look:

   I can't wait for my nursery to smell like a baby! :)  

I am blessed with my Mom willing to stay with me several days after I bring baby home!  I will be grateful for a experienced helper with the baby, not to mention help with catching up with the daily chores.  Thank you Mommy!  

I might even be a Mother on Mother's Day this year!